Purpose in the Pain

We have all experienced some type of grief in our lives. I know that I have lost a lot of people in my life. The year 2017 was the “beginning of the end” for me. I found myself very unexpectedly pregnant the day after my oldest daughter’s 18th birthday. It took weeks to wrap my head around the idea of having a baby. When I got to my first appointment, I just knew something was wrong. The ultrasound confirmed my fears. “I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat.” I was gut-punched. How could I miss someone I had never met so much? I tried really hard to pretend I was okay. I didn’t talk about it to the people who mattered. When I did, I was casual about it. I pushed people away.

At the time, I didn’t understand. It felt like I was being punished. If I can be honest with you, I was mad at God. Why would a good God allow this pain in my life? Why would He give me a blessing just to take it right away? In time, I learned He was preparing me for an even harder loss. He was training my heart to depend on Him and Him alone to be the source of my comfort. 

A year later, I had lost both of my grandparents, my home, and my marriage. My husband had always been my rock, the firm foundation on which I stood. I wasn’t confident about much, but I was confident in him... anyone else see the problem? When he left, I didn’t think I had the strength to go on. I didn’t even want to try. In the darkest moment of my life, when I was desperate for something, Jesus sat down on the floor beside me, took my hand in His, and whispered, “I’m here.” I remember saying out loud to myself, “Well thank God for that, cause I can’t do this by myself,” and for the first time in a really long time, I laughed.

My life was in absolute shambles. Five minutes previously, I wanted to die, and here I was laughing. Why? Because was it really that simple? I just needed to fix my focus on the only one that really mattered. My husband should never have been the center of my praise and worship. My tears changed from tears of sorrow to tears of relief. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted,” Matthew 5:4, came to my mind. I decided in that moment that I was going to be intentional with my time spent with Jesus and others. I was going to listen and love well. That is where my comfort would be found. That was how I turned my weeping to dancing. That was how I traded sorrow for joy. In this life, we will have troubles.

There will be pain and loss. There will be hard times. I encourage you to look around you and see God in the mundane. Praise Him for even the smallest thing. Before long, you will see His hand in every detail. Through praise comes comfort. His comfort brings peace. My story isn’t over; I know that I will suffer more loss in my life. I will praise Him even then. 2 Corinthians 1:3–4: “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”