Ephesians 4:32

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word “forgiveness”? Most likely, you are thinking about a time when someone hurt you. Maybe it is something that just recently happened, or maybe it’s something that happened long ago. As humans, it is incredibly easy to get caught up in past hurts, even easier to hold onto them, and easier still to take those hurts and allow them to turn to anger and hate. When we fall into that trap, however, we almost always end up making the pain worse. The only true way to stop that process is through forgiveness.

This verse is often shared when we are hurting, and it often feels like an attack. We think, “Why should I forgive them when they did ____, and they don’t even care?!” which only adds to the hurt we are feeling. The thing is, forgiveness has absolutely nothing to do with what the other person says, does, or feels about the situation. Forgiveness is about what is in YOUR heart. I once heard someone say, “Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to feel the pain.” When we hold on to the things that have hurt us, we are choosing to feel the pain over and over again. But when we forgive, we are able to let go of the hurt so it doesn’t keep building up. That doesn’t mean we can forget what happened, or that we just let things that cause us pain continue to happen, but it takes control of our emotions away from past transgressions.

I know from my own experience how much that is an “easier said than done” process. But this scripture from Ephesians actually gives us a lot of information on how to go about forgiving others. So, let’s break it down, starting with the last part, “just as in Christ God forgave you.” We know that Jesus died on the cross to forgive us of our sins. He did this because God loves us so thoroughly that He didn’t want anything to get in the way of us having a relationship with Him. God values our relationship above everything else, and in prioritizing having a relationship, He was able to find a way to let go of all of the ways we have wronged Him.

Adding on a little bit to that scripture, the part just before it says, “forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” So, thinking about how God forgave us, that means that we have to value our relationships with one another more than we value being “right” about the situation. We grow up hearing “say sorry” when we do something wrong to another person, and we expect that apology when someone hurts us, often becoming angry when the apology doesn’t come. But the Bible doesn’t tell us to wait for sorry. The Bible tells us to forgive, period. When we get caught up in waiting for an apology, and we hold on to our anger, we are showing through our actions that we care more about being right than we do about the person on the other end of the issue. We have to actively choose to value our relationships first, and by doing so, forgiveness becomes just a little bit easier. How easy is it to forgive a toddler when they smack you, because you love them so much and care more about them than you do about their mistakes? The same can be true for adults, if you can be intentional about prioritizing the person over the problems.

Finally, let’s look at the beginning of the verse, “Be kind and compassionate to one another.” Notice that there aren’t any qualifiers on that? It’s not “be kind and compassionate to one another when they are doing what you want,” or “be kind and compassionate to one another when they agree with you,” or “be kind and compassionate to one another if you don’t have anyone else on your side,” or even “be kind and compassionate to one another when they are kind and compassionate to you.” No, we are called to be kind and compassionate to one another ALWAYS. If you value something, you take care of it. If you value a car, your job, or your home, you will do everything in your power to take care of it. How much more effort, then, should we be putting into valuing and caring for the people in our lives? It is easy to show kindness and compassion when relationships are going smoothly, but just as when our car breaks down, we have to put in the effort to get it fixed, we have to put effort into maintaining our relationships when they start to break down. That kindness and compassion comes in the form of free forgiveness. We didn’t have to earn God’s forgiveness, and we can show the same generosity by giving ours just as freely, with no expectations attached.

God sent His Son to be the ultimate sacrifice so that we could have a relationship with Him. He is the perfect example of valuing people above problems. When someone hurts us, we need to think about His example and remember that we are called to do the same. In the book of Matthew, when asked what the greatest commandments are, in verses 37-39, Jesus says, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” When we focus on loving our neighbors as ourselves, and we prioritize maintaining and rebuilding our relationships with those around us when hurts happen, forgiveness comes much more easily. I pray that you give yourself permission to value the people around you so much that whatever situation you may find yourself in where forgiveness is necessary becomes a situation where you can forgive freely, and that you truly feel the weight of that hurt be lifted from your shoulders.